How do I know my relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive?
Healthy Relationships
Sharing Feelings
Each person feels safe, comfortable, respected and strong enough to tell each other how they really feel.
Communicating
Each person listens to and respects the other’s point of view. They make decisions together. Each person values the differences between each other and works to be non-judgmental. Each tries hard not to talk harshly to or about each other.
Disagreements
Each person has an equal say in the relationship. They show respect even when they disagree. They work things out together, so they each get what they need.
Trust
Each person trusts the other(s). They are comfortable with their partner or friend spending time with other people.
Time Alone
Each person can spend time alone and think of this as a healthy part of the relationship. There is a balance between time alone and time with each other.
Violence
There is no physical violence (such as pushing, slapping, shaking, choking, punching or forcing sex) or threat of violence in the relationship.
In Intimate and Sexual Relationships
Partners are honest about how they feel about being intimate (emotionally, physically and sexually) and taking part in sexual activities. No one feels pressured to do anything they don’t want to do (learn more about consent). They want their partner(s) to enjoy the experience and feel safe being themselves.
Unhealthy Relationships
Sharing Feelings
One person feels uncomfortable saying how they really feel because of how their friend, family member or intimate partner responds to shared feelings.
Communicating
One person ignores the other, does not respect different opinions, or talks rudely. A few times, harsh words were used, and one person felt they may be harmed. However, there is no clear pattern of abuse.
Disagreements
One person may be manipulative and not accountable for their actions. The other person may go along with things they aren’t comfortable with because they felt pressured into it, regardless of whether that was the other’s intent.
Trust
One person feels jealous when others talk to or spend time with someone else.
Time Alone
One person thinks something may be wrong if another wants to do things without them. They try to keep the other person to themselves.
Violence
One person demonstrates physical intimidation, by blocking the other person’s exit or holding them in place when the other person has asked for space or by yelling that they feel like they could hit something or someone, or break something near them, etc..
In Intimate and Sexual Relationships
One person is embarrassed or feels unsafe to say how they feel or what they need. They may go along with things they aren’t comfortable with because they feel pressured (learn more about consent). One person’s needs may be met, but the needs of the other(s) may be overlooked.
Abusive Relationships
Sharing Feelings
One person feels afraid to tell the other how they really feel. They fear being rejected, abandoned, being ‘put down’, threatened, or being hurt by their friend, family member or intimate partner.
Communicating
One person disrespects the other, intentionally disregards or goes against their ideas and feelings, or makes fun of them. They may use names and words to hurt and give frequent criticism, and cast doubts on the person’s skills, knowledge, abilities and capacity at home and work. There is a pattern of verbal or mental abuse. This may include damaging belongings, name-calling, and threats to hurt the other person, a family member, a child or a pet.
Disagreements
One person may use violence, threats, or cause bodily harm to make another person do what they don’t want to do. The other person may be intentionally pushed into doing things that make them feel uncomfortable, afraid or ashamed.
Trust
One person wants all the other person’s attention and attempts to interrupt or prevent relationships with other friends, family and co-workers. They may order them to not talk to other people. One person may accus their partner of flirting or having an affair. One person may distrust the other person’s decision-making or abilities to do things for themselves, their family, or their children.
Time Alone
One person doesn’t let the other spend time doing things alone. They see it as a threat to the relationship. They may keep a close watch on the other person’s activities (e.g., constant texting and calling, demanding immediate response to calls or texts, tracking their whereabouts) and keep them from family and friends.
Violence
There is a pattern of increasing, ongoing abuse, which could include emotional, physical, sexual abuse and/or intimidation that may be getting worse.
In Intimate and Sexual Relationships
One person ignores the needs and wants of the other(s). A person may be pushed into doing things that make them uncomfortable, afraid or ashamed or cause them pain and injury. Sexual activity may happen without consent.
*Adapted from Myhealth.alberta.ca and TeachingSexualHealth.ca
